


Shatter

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Depressed!Eren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Nobody is Dead, POV First Person, Phone Calls & Telephones, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Texting, i love that that's a tag, implied past sexual abuse, it has a good ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m not okay. I’ve never been okay. But nobody needs to worry about me... Momentary joy is nothing when it just ends up getting swallowed by a black hole of nothingness.</p><p>  <i>Somebody shine a light, I'm frozen by the fear in me. Somebody make me feel alive and shatter me</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Shatter

**Author's Note:**

> [This](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05-x741Xis) song gives me emotions and I've been itching to write something to it, and that just so happened to be the most depressing thing I could think of without anyone dying.
> 
> Essence, I don't know if you'd consider this to be part of the legacy or not.
> 
> Also, Amy. I know what you're thinking. And the answer is don't worry.
> 
> /If I break the glass, then I'll have to fly  
> There's no one to catch me if I take a dive  
> I'm scared of change, and the days stay the same  
> The world is spinning but only in gray/

_Me [10:32 PM]: Can we talk?_

_Jean [10:34 PM]: No I’m trying to sleep._

_Me [10:35 PM]: Sorry._

Why would he care.

* * *

_Me [10:44 PM]: Can we talk?_

_Mikasa [10:45 PM]: Eren can’t it wait until tomorrow? I’m about to go to bed._

Probably not, but that’s okay.

_Me [10:46 PM]: Okay._

* * *

_Me [10:51 PM]: Can we talk?_

Oh, that’s right. Armin is asleep.

_Me [10:53 PM]: Never mind._

Not like it was important.

* * *

I wince. My fist balls up. The razor hits the bathroom floor. I’m not okay. I’ve _never_ been okay. But nobody needs to worry about me. It feels like nobody ever has. Mikasa is concerned, but she pretends it’s just a phase. I don’t argue with her about it. Armin thinks that I can be cured by something. It may have a temporary effect, but I’ve never really been _truly_ happy. I probably never will be. Jean tries to make me laugh, and it works more often than not. Not that it really does anything. Momentary joy is nothing when it just ends up getting swallowed by a black hole of nothingness.

The razor is back in my shaking hand, my back pressing against the side of the bathtub. I stare at my wrist and cringe. _Ugly._ So very, very ugly. How could anything be this revolting? And I just continue to add to it. It becomes more disgusting with every cut. But I can’t look away. It hurts and it repulses me. It’s hideous. Like me. I guess it makes sense, though. Ugly and ugly go well together.

It falls to the floor again, my wrist limp. I hold it over the tub and watch. My blood drips like rain, slowly painting the white tub a nauseating red color from the inside. I blink, taking in a sharp breath. It hurts. It hurts nicely. My other hand is still shaking. It wants the same treatment. I swallow hard, pushing all regrets down my throat. I hope they choke me.

My other hand retracts from over the tub, blood streaming down the underside of my wrist and forearm. Some of the streams cross paths, creating an X. It’s disgusting. I’ve tried to make them look beautiful, but they only produce more ugly. I can’t stop trying to fix it, either. There is no such thing as a healing process. I reach down beside me to take up the razor once more and look at my other wrist. The scars lining it are light against my tanned skin, just as ugly as the new cuts I’ve created.

I’m so ugly. Dragging the razor, I choke back a whine. I bite down on my bottom lip. One. Two. Three. Four. Four ugly cuts down my arm. Five. Six.

I am the most repulsive being to ever walk the earth.

Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Now it’s even on both sides.

Standing, I move to the sink and wash the blood off. I hear a buzzing noise. It continues for a while, filling the ugly quiet along with the water coming from the faucet. I keep my wrists under the water until the bleeding has stopped and turn the faucet off. After I dry my wrists, I walk out of the bathroom.

My phone had been that source of the buzzing noise, as it continues to vibrate on my bed. I pick it up.

_Levi [11:15 PM]: I know it’s late, but do you want to come over?_

_Levi [11:17 PM]: Or I could come over._

_Levi [11:20 PM]: I know you’re not sleeping, Eren._

_Levi [11:25 PM]: Are you alright?_

_Levi [11:30 PM]: Answer me._

_Me [11:32 PM]: Sorry I was doing something._

He didn’t text back. I sighed. Five minutes passed before I finally decide to lay down. Right as my head hits the pillow, my phone begins to vibrate again. I bring it forward to see what he said, but it wasn’t a text message.

 _“What were you doing?”_ Levi’s voice was quiet in my ear.

“Nothing.” I lie.

I can almost feel him glaring through the phone. I shrink back into my blankets and pull them over my head.

_“Eren… what were you doing? Don’t lie to me.”_

“Don’t worry,” I breathe out. I want to hang up.

_“I have to worry. Did you hurt yourself?”_

I don’t answer.

_“Eren.”_

He shouldn’t care.

_“You did, didn’t you?”_

Why the fuck does he care?

“Yes.” I whisper. “But it’s okay. Don’t worry.”

 _“I have to worry about you,_ ” Levi raises his voice.

“Why do you care?” The answers are always the same every time I question someone, so I don’t know why I even ask anymore. It’s always ‘because you’re sad’, and ‘because I do’.

 _“I know what you’re going through.”_ He answers instead. _“It’s not the answer, you know.”_

“I know.” I say.

His voice is quiet again. _“Then why resort to hurting yourself?”_

“Because I’m scared.”

_“Of what?”_

“Dying.”

He’s silent for a while, and I begin to think he’s fallen asleep or hung up. I swallow down the tears that I know are about to come.

Levi’s told me he knows what I’m going through before. He was abused as a child. He grew up in foster care and got moved to a neighborhood with a family of three that included two people his age and an old woman. He told me stories, stories about the girl, Isabel, and the boy, Farlan, and his time living together. They were his best friends. They were his only friends. They were his family.

The woman died so Levi, Isabel, and Farlan got sent back into foster care, but he had friends. A year passed for them when a man that was a little over half of Levi’s age came in and adopted him. He was separated from Isabel and Farlan because of that. He was thankful, at first, because he was in a house again, but he soon started hating the man who adopted him. Levi never got to see Farlan and Isabel again after he was adopted. He told me the man’s name was Kenny, and that Kenny was a horrible man. As the story went on, I began to see why Levi never really talked about his past much.

Kenny mentally abused Levi. He told him things like that Levi was worthless, stupid, a waste of space, time, money, and energy. Levi could never understand why the man would adopt him if he hated him so much. Kenny was an awful person with horrible plans for Levi. Levi didn’t give me much detail about what the man did to him, and I didn’t ask.

I didn’t doubt he had it far worse than I did when he was growing up.

Levi’s voice is quiet as he speaks again after what feels like an eternity of ugly silence. _“Don’t you dare.”_

“Why not?” I don’t miss a beat. I feel my cheeks becoming damp. My attempt at keeping the tears back had failed. I sit up, gripping my phone tightly, and the blankets fall off of me.

 _“You really have to fucking ask me that?”_ Levi sounds distraught. _“What are you doing right now?”_

“Sitting in bed.” I reply.

I hear a gentle sigh from him. _“Good.”_

“What did you think I was doing?” I’m trying my best not to showcase my emotions through my voice, but it’s not working as well as I had hoped. My voice cracks with every word. I lift my hand and wipe my eyes and face against my palm.

 _“Something stupid.”_ He replies coldly. I don’t say anything. _“Are you lying to me?”_

“No.” I say. “I’m in bed…” I glance down at my wrists. Disgusting. Hideous. Why do people even tolerate someone as vile as me—why does anyone care about me? “What’s ‘something stupid’?”

 _“You know what I’m fucking talking about, Eren. I swear to god if you—”_ A choked sob breaks free from my throat, cutting Levi off completely. _“You’re crying?”_

“Levi, I need to go…” My heart pounds rapidly inside of my chest and I give up trying not to cry into the phone. “Just don’t worry, okay?”

 _“Don’t you dare!”_ He shouts through the phone. I’m shaking. _“Eren—just get back in bed and relax. It’ll be okay.”_

My legs are wobbly when I stand. “I’m sorry.”

_“Eren.”_

“I-I’m really sorry.” I sniffle. “I—uh, I just really need to g-go.”

_“Eren Jaeger I will call your sister—”_

I hung up.

It would be better this way, I know it. Mikasa wouldn’t have to work so hard to keep the both of us fed. Armin wouldn’t have to waste his time checking up on me. Jean wouldn’t have to deal with my stupidity. Levi wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.

I force myself on to the bathroom again, my legs shaking beneath me. But I get there, and I turn the light back on. I see the blood remaining in the bathtub and feel nauseous at the sight. Then I glance back down to my wrists. _What is wrong with me?_

…I just couldn’t get it done the first time.

I can hear my phone vibrating furiously back in my bedroom. Levi is clearly not pleased with my actions. I try to ignore it and I shut the door to the bathroom to block out the obnoxious noise. Why does it sound so loud? I stare at my reflection and cringe.

There are bags under my eyes, my hair is a mess, my eyes look red and puffy. My cheeks shine in the light from being dampened by my tears. I look paler than usual, like the color had been sucked out of me. It makes quite a difference since my complexion is naturally tan. I make myself smile to see if it made me look any better. The face handed to me by the reflection seemed dead already, a forced smile, the corner of my lips twitching as though it were painful for me to keep smiling.

I pulled the mirror-door of the medicine cabinet open in search of an easier way out. I always hated swallowing pills. There was this time when I was nine, my father and Mikasa had to practically hold me down before I would swallow one down. I was always afraid I would choke. That’s not the case anymore.

A small bottle labeled _Tylenol_ caught my eye. I reached for it, my hand shaking, fingers twitching. I exhaled sharply, closed the mirror-door, and stepped into the tub. Mikasa would be unhappy if got the floor messy.

I remember in Health, we were told not to ingest the entire contents of a bottle of Tylenol, or it would kill us. That was the only thing that I learned from that class. It was all I needed to know.

I’m an abomination. Nobody loves me. Nobody should care about me. I’m worthless and hopeless and useless. I am a piece of trash. People tolerate my existence. I don’t deserve to live.

Mikasa tells me that I am a great brother and I should stop belittling myself. That I should try to look on the bright side of things. What bright side? My entire existence feels like a black hole, sucking away every little drop of happiness and confidence I’ve had since the day I was born. One day it would come out to rid this world of me, and today needs to be that day.

It’s midnight. It’s fine that it’s midnight. It’s okay. It’s okay, because I’m not, and I never will be, and after this… I won’t have to be.

I unscrew the bottle of Tylenol and peer inside of it. It was brand new, save for maybe one or two… and if it wasn’t enough to finish me off, I’d find a way to do it myself. I took a deep breath and poured a few in my hand.

I can’t move.

Like I had told Levi: I was scared. Scared of death. Scared of life. Scared of the world and scared of growing up. I was scared to be alone. But I was also afraid of disappointing people. Of letting people down. But I’m a failure, and I know that. Everyone knew that. I had barely passed high school, and that was only because of Armin’s help. I only got into a decent college because my sister is well known there and pulled some strings. I only had friends because Jean forced me into social situations. I only held out for so long because Levi was around.

But he isn’t here right now. I’m not going to be a burden for him any longer.

I count the number of pills sitting in my hand. Six. I pour a few more in. now there are eight pills in my hand. Maybe they _will_ choke me if I can’t get them all down.

I want this. I wasn’t ready, but I was. I count to ten, giving myself a few seconds to reminisce before I made myself do it.

 _Ten—_ Armin Arlert and I became best friends in the first grade. I love you Armin.

 _Nine—_ My father brought Mikasa home from the adoption agency when I was seven. I love you Mikasa.

 _Eight—_ I met Jean Kirschtein in fifth grade and hated his fucking guts until he split a fruit roll up with me. Now he’s one of my closest friends. I love you Jean.

 _Seven—_ Middle school was the worst three years of my life. I was tormented in seventh grade because my eyes were large. I hate my eyes.

 _Six—_ My eyes are so fucking ugly.

 _Five—_ Levi once told me he loved my eyes.

 _Four—_ Right before he kissed me.

 _Three—_ I’m crying again.

 _Two—_ I love you, Levi.

 _One—_ Goodbye.

My eyes shut tight. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I hear someone scream my name along with loud footsteps making their way down the hallway quickly. Lifting my hand to my mouth, I try to ignore it. I don’t want to bother anyone.

The door bursts open. My eyes are blurred with tears so I don’t see who right away. The pills are smacked out of my hand, little tapping noises pinging up from the tub as they land. I’m jerked up of the tub by my shoulders and pulled into someone’s arms. My heart is crumbling within my chest at the muffled sound of what I believe to be Mikasa crying. But she isn’t the one holding me, or it would be closer.

I feel tired. Dizzy.

Shattered. Destroyed.

“Don’t you ever hang up on me again,” I hear Levi whisper. He intended to sound angry but his voice was hoarse, nervous. He was crying too. A second pair of arms wrap around me, arms that I’m sure belong to Mikasa.

I stay mostly limp in their arms, listening to them both sob. It was hard to listen to them being in so much pain. Pain that I caused.

When they let go of me, I wipe my eyes and saw we weren’t in the bathroom anymore. We’re in my room, and Mikasa is staring at my hideous wrists while Levi paces in front of us with his hands covering his face.

“I told you not to worry.” I whisper. Mikasa’s eyes are on me but Levi’s face remains hidden behind his hands. “I didn’t want—“

“Eren,” Mikasa’s eyes contained a dangerous aura that was not quite murderous. She looks as though she wants to slap me. “Why didn’t you come to my room? I—we could have talked.” I look away and she sighs, turning her attention back to my wrist. “This is a mess…”

“It’s one in the morning,” I say. “You should both be sleeping.”

Levi finally looks at me. His brows are pulled down, his grey-blue eyes shooting a shiver down my spine. I saw the tears streaming down his face. He was still crying.

“It was a heat of the moment thing,” Mikasa cries suddenly, gaining Levi’s attention. “…Right? He… he wasn’t really going to…”

“Don’t deny what you just saw.” Levi says.

“You don’t know what he was thinking,” Mikasa replies. I sit there silently wondering why Mikasa let Levi inside at such a late hour. She hates him. He hates her. Enough to argue about whether I was about to kill myself or not. I force a smile. My lips hurt, so I stop.

“I know _exactly_ what he was thinking. He was going to—” the line of tears sliding down Mikasa’s face caught Levi’s attention. His voice became soft and he set a gentle hand on her shoulder. These two never got along. Why was he doing that? “I’m sorry, Mikasa.”

She let out a breath that sounded like a strangled sob. “He’s okay now, right?” She turns toward me again. “You’re okay now… right?”

“No.” I say honestly. Her color drains and she stands, holding my hand in hers. “I haven’t been okay for a while, sis.”

“Can I talk to Eren alone for a moment?” Levi asks. She doesn’t say anything. “Please, Mikasa?”

There’s a long pause before Mikasa looks at him and releases my hand. She lingers for a moment, but then she walks out of the room.

Mikasa has been taking care of everything since my mom died and dad left. She takes care of the food, the bills, the house, me. She does everything. I’m still in college, and I know it’s no excuse not to help her out. But if she understands anything about me, it’s that I just _can’t_. And she doesn’t push me.

Levi takes a seat beside me and takes me hand in his. His eyes scan the cuts on my wrist. He pulls my other hand over and stares at all of the ugly things I’ve done to myself. I watch him stare for a while before he puts my hands down.

I expect him to tell me I’m stupid for trying. But that’s not what happens.

“I cut myself every night that I lived with Kenny,” he began. He didn’t look at me. “My arms looked like I tried to moisturize with a cheese grater. One night, things got particularly bad with him. I ran into my bedroom and as quickly as I could, I pushed my dresser in front of the door because the bastard broke my lock already. Then without anything except for the clothes on my back, I jumped out the window. I ran, Eren. I ran so fucking fast to get away from that place. And you know what?”

He had never told me this part of the story. “What?”

“I got away. I got away from him.” Levi sat up straight and gently squeezed my hand. “It was late and dark, but I got _away_. I made it back to the foster house but it was locked up for the night. I slept on the dirty concrete in front of the doors. That’s how great it felt to be away from him, Eren. I was thankful to be back at the place that gave me to him, because he wasn’t fucking there.”

“Did they let you back in?”

“Even better than that. When they asked me why I was there, I told them everything. Every little detail of what Kenny was doing to me. They called the police and I got to see his fucking mug shot on TV, Eren. It was great… I was _free._ ”

“Free…” I repeat the word. It feels nice to say.

“You can be free too, you know.” He says.

I look at him. “Our situation isn’t at all the same.”

“I know.” He replies. “Kenny was the source of everything that was wrong with me, and I ran from him. I ran the fuck away and broke free and I never have to worry about him again. I know our situation is different, but imagine you’re in my place, and your depression is Kenny. Run from it. Fight it off. Make yourself free.”

“It isn’t that sim—”

Levi cuts me off. “I know it isn’t that simple. But the first step is acceptance. The second step is all your own. You have to make yourself fight, but once you do, you can get closer to freedom. And when you let it go…” his eyes trail down to my wrist. “You’re free.”

The word makes my body ache. But not in a bad way. “Free…” It feels good as it rolls off my tongue.

“I’ll help you.” Levi says, now looking at my face. “And Mikasa will help you, too. And Armin. And Jean. We can’t cure you, obviously. But we can help you fight.”

I want to cry again. Happy cry. Happy. _Happy?_ I haven’t been happy in so long. My heart flutters inside of my chest as Levi slides his fingers between mine and he turns my arm over so the cuts face away. “I’d like that.”

“You have to _let_ us help you.” He adds, his voice sharp. “I mean it. You can’t pretend you’re fine when you’re losing. You can’t shy away from us. You can’t hang up on me when I’m trying to make sure you’re okay. Got it?”

“Yes.” I answer simply.

“Good.”

He gets quiet and neither of us speak for a while. I have to fight. I have to fight to get free.

Mikasa knocks and opens the door to peek in at us. “Is everything okay now?”

“As okay as it can be.” I say.

“ _Yes_.” Levi answers more clearly. Mikasa smiles softly at him, her eyes thanking him. “I’m staying over tonight to keep an eye on him.”

Mikasa hesitates but nods slowly. “That’s fine.” She makes her way inside of my room and takes my face in her hands. We lock eyes and she lets out a lighthearted sigh. “I love you. We all love you. So much. Please don’t ever do that again, Eren.” She leans forward and presses a small kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to bed—” her eyes dart over to Levi. “Don’t stay up too late.”

We watch her walk out and she shuts my door behind her. Levi and I are quiet again. The silence is comfortable until I turn my arms over to look at the mess I made of my wrists. I cringe. Levi notices but he doesn’t say anything.

“It’s so ugly,” I whisper. I still have his attention. “It’s hideous… but you still want to help me. I don’t get it.”

Levi silently lifts my wrist to his mouth and he gives a gentle kiss to the top of my wrist. “These are battle scars. They’re ugly now, and I don’t expect them to fade away fight off the bat. But when the fight is over,” he releases my wrist and looks me in the eye. “You’ll be proud. I know it’s a weird thing to think about, being proud of your scars… but think of it this way. They show what you’ve been through… but also that you survived. And that’s something to be proud of.”

I look away and Levi puts his arm around my shoulder. He pulls me closer. I lay my head on his shoulder and listen to him breathe.

“Thank you.” I say low enough that I wonder if he was able to hear me.

“Don’t thank me.” He replies, equally as quiet. “At least not yet.”

After a while the two of us lay on my bed, Levi’s arms securely tightening around my waist. He nuzzles his face into the back of my neck, placing a kiss on the nape.

“I love you.” He whispers. “Please don’t forget that, Eren.”

My lips twitch creating a smile that doesn’t make my lips hurt. It doesn’t feel forced. And for once, I actually feel relaxed. “I love you too.”

I’ll win this fight. I will break free. I’ll win.

**Author's Note:**

> That took a really happy turn and I'm really proud of myself. That metaphor was golden. Go me.


End file.
